So, I haven’t been talking to my friends as much as I should be because I’ve hit a pretty severe depression. It’s not the depression where you lay in bed all day trying to sleep off how sad you are, nor is it the depression where you cry for hours at a time. It’s the depression that causes you to hate everyone and everything, for no particular reason other than these things exist. You just want to be alone because people annoy you and noise is painful to your depression-ridden brain. It also doesn’t help that the people who were supposed to be there for you constantly disappoint you with their life choices and how they treat you. You know they’re trying their best, doing what they feel is right, but you just…can’t do it anymore. Sometimes, you need to take a step back from everything and everyone.
I’m taking all this alone time to evaluate what’s important in my life. What I want to do, what I love, who I love, how I can improve myself…
And the conclusion I’ve reached is that I basically need to become Lisbeth Salander for a few months. I’m much better at adulting than the character, though, as I’ve never been a ward of the state. I’ve always been alone, tough, and minimalist, but not as angry as I have been recently. However, the anger (frustration?) has become an energy source for me. I decided to make a lot of changes. While I do some of these things already, I’m pushing it a little harder and STICKING TO IT GODDAMMIT.
The past two days I’ve been on a cleaning rampage. I’ve been purging the excess from my life, packing up things for the move to Pittsburgh and putting them in storage, and using up whatever consumables (toiletries and food) I have on hand to get it out of the way and save money. I’m on a slight shopping ban as well. While I never spend a ton of money on clothing or knick-knacks (mainly because I hate having a lot of either item), I do tend to spend money on soap/shampoos and random sweets. I’m putting a stop to these spending behaviors completely.
In addition to the shopping ban, I’ve packed up a significant chunk of my wardrobe. I love all the pieces I own, but I wear the same 4 things over and over. So, I packed up everything but those clothing items. This is way easier for me than most because I have a uniform job. When I’m at home, or I’m out with friends I just wear men’s A-tanks and skinny jeans with stompy boots, sometimes with a sweater over it, or a flannel. Boom, simplified. Don’t need to think about fashion.
I eat when I’m hungry instead of eating three meals a day like a diabetic is supposed to. I don’t know if that’s going to bite me in the ass some how, but we’ll find out. Because I’m required to eat three meals a day with snacks between to keep my blood sugar steady, I never felt hunger and would feel overstuffed. I hate feeling overstuffed and eating when I’m not hungry. So, there goes my bad habit of wasting food and buying way too many cookies/chocolate/etc. The grocery outlet helps cut down on costs, and so does the farmer’s market when I actually make it there. Side note, Emmaus Farmer’s Market is dope, and you should check it out.
I’ve started working out way more as well. I hate feeling like a flabby mess, even though I know I am quite thin according to most people. I work out using Blogilates, or do minor weight lifting, and a lot of glute/thigh workouts. I’m hoping doing these exercises everyday, combined with diet, will give me the body I want.
Simplifying everything, making changes. I just want to feel better. I hate feeling like this.